Baby Bliss
by Faith and Grace
Summary: When her Muggle Studies class is assigned a flour-baby project, Hermione thought it would be a breeze. However, when her partner happens to be Fred Weasley, hijinks abound and both are in for the time of their life. HGFW
1. Fred Weasley? Oh No!

_All Harry Potter characters and figures belong to J.K. Rowling and her affiliates. Unfortunately, all I own is the free will to twist them to my own maniacal creativity_.

Hermione dropped her quill and sniffed the air suspiciously. Looking around her, she cautiously stood up from her table in the Gryffindor common room, ignoring the fact that it gave an ominous wobble and threatened to buckle under the weight of all her books and one very fat, orange cat curled on top of _Arithmancy, A Guide To All Those Insane Enough to Enroll, Year_ 5.

Hermione, not a girl usually prone to sniffing, sniffed again. There it was… it kind of smelled like dirty gym socks and flowers that have been in a vase too long and have started to rot. Hermione's agile mind quickly leaped to three possibilities: 1.) the house-elves forgot to pick up Ron's shoes, 2.) some dirty gym socks _and_ flowers were actually lying around somewhere, or 3.) a Weasley twin and/or Lee Jordan was somehow involved. And, considering that the house elves at Hogwarts were almost flawless in their cleaning skills, Hermione was prepared to bet that it was possibility number 3, which is why she carefully began to pick her way through the common room, on the alert for a sudden assault of Dungbombs. Hermione took her 5th year Prefect duties seriously, and she wasn't going to let her authority, or her homework time, slip away. She strained her ears to try to hear some sound, but the common room was absolutely empty- it was almost one 12:30 a.m., and almost all were already asleep. But then, she heard a low _thump_, and she quickly headed towards the portrait of the Fat Lady, convinced that the sound had come from outside.

Shivering slightly in the night air and treading carefully so as not to alert Ms. Norris, Hermione quickly rounded the corner, and heard a muffled snigger come from one of two huddle figures grouped around a statue of Bethilda the Baffled, a confused looking witch who seemed to be in the middle of asking a question. Her heart pounding a little faster, Hermione cleared her throat and walked officiously towards what she assumed were two boys.

"Boys, you are out way too…" her voice trailed off as she realized to whom she was talking to, and she bit the urge to laugh as the two boys jumped nervously to face her.

"Oh, it's you," she said, trying to hide her smile. Fred and George Weasley stood guiltily infront of her, trying to look innocent, a feat that could never be accomplished so long as their eyes held that devious, yet not unkind, sparkle.

"Hermione," said George, shifting his body so that Hermione could not see what they were doing.

"You're looking ravishing tonight," Fred added, winking cheerily at her. Hermione giggled.

"You know, I should take points off," Hermione began, and was prompty cut off by the twins.

"Oh come on Hermione," they wheedled. "We're just up, doing something to further our intellectual pursuits."

"Right," Hermione said knowingly, "Something that involves an unidentifiable thing that smells like Ron's shoes?"

"Oh," Fred said, looking at George. "We weren't aware that smell would carry…"

Hermione wanted to giggle again. As much as she hated the boy's rule-breaking habits, they did provide a little cheeriness in her hectic world of work.

"Well, actually," Fred began,

"It's a little something," George continued,

"For our dear old Snape..."

"You see, we specially made these packets of what we call 'Weez-Bombs'…"

"Sort of like Dungbombs, but better…"

"And we thought we'd plant a few in Bathilda's mouth, and jinx her to spit them out whenever Snapey-poo walked by…"

"He'd never know what hit him, until we start selling the Bombs, of course…"

Hermione smiled again in spite of herself. She was torn between her Prefect duties, and her desire to see Snape pelted with aweful smelling Weez Bombs. The Weasley Twins knew she wouldn't punish them, but she could at least draw the fun out a bit.

"Well, I dunno…" she said, wringing her hands. She saw Fred twitch, and smiled inwardly. "I would be neglecting my duties…"

"No! Of course you wouldn't!"

"Think of it as a duty to your House!" came the vehement denies.

"Oh, fine," she said. "But if I come under duress, I'm going to say that you threatened to force-feed me some of your Pumpkin Pies unless I didn't comply."

"Are you saying our cooking is bad?" Fred asked, looking offended. Hermione smiled.

"No, but I just don't want to sprout another head that will start to sing 'Greensleeves' whenever I try to answer a question."

"Good point."

"Well, good night you guys," she said, and the twins both beamed. "I expect to see that statue cleaned and rid of those Bombs by morning."

She walked back to the common room, knowing that the twins had both turned back to their project before hearing, and knew that Snape was bound to get a very nasty surprise the next day. Hermione shook her head, amazed that those two could be so irresponsible.

* * *

Hermione woke to the roars of an infuriated Snape the next morning, and decided that this was the best way to start a day. While all of Gryffindor House excitedly filed out to see what happened, Hermione slowly got dressed and headed to the Great Hall for some breakfast before her Muggle Studies, sauntering past a glowering Snape who seemed to be rooted to the spot. _Nice touch_, she thought, while covering her nose with her hand…

She sat down at one of the tables and pulled a pot of pumpkin juice towards her. She was joined a little bit later by Harry and Ron (_Did you see Snape? Bloody brilliant!) _and eventually the twins, who were flushed with success.

"Did you see what happened to Snape?" Ron asked excitedly, meanwhile trying to cram some scrambled eggs into his mouth. The result was a majestic spewing of egg, but nobody but Hermione seemed to care. She sighed: she needed more girlfriends.

"Yeah, mate," Fred said, winking at Hermione. She raised her eyebrow to let him know she saw, and proceeded to eat. "Pretty brilliant, if I say so myself." George smirked.

"Did you have something to do with it?" Harry asked, noticing the smugness of the twins.

"Of course."

"How then?" asked Ron, "I mean, you must have done it at night, and I would have bet that you would have been caught and punished by a Prefect…I mean, I should have caught you, but I was asleep… and I had the strangest dream about this Niffler that was madly in love with me…"

At this Hermione coughed and sputtered some of the juice onto her books. She quickly wiped her face and glared at the twins.

"Oh, well, you know," Fred said complacently. "We get by." Harry noticed Hermione's reaction and grinned- the only oblivious person seemed to be Ron, who proceeded to cram his mouth with food.

"So, about that niffler, Ron…" Hermione started, trying to change the subject.

* * *

Muggle Studies was one of Hermione's favorite courses. Professor Marsh (a/n Does anyone know the Muggle Studies prof's name?) had allowed Hermione to move up to the 7th year level, and while this meant more time with the Weasley Twins and Lee Jordan, she found the course to be interesting and the work load not unbearable.

"Today, class" began Professor Marsh, her voice still clear despite her old age. "We will begin to immerse ourselves into a very common practice in muggle culture. We will study it, while at the same time living it, to give us a complete understanding and appreciation for what they do. What I'm talking about, of course, is the muggle ritual of flour-babies." Hermione's head jerked up. Uh oh.

"In many a muggle school class, students are paired off and are assigned a sack of flour (a gross imitation of a human baby, if you ask me) and are to act as it's "parents". Students feed this baby (pretend, of course), clothe it, change it's diaper (though a sack of flour cannot produce too many nasty diapers), wake up in the middle of the night to feed it… you get the idea. It is meant to teach responsibility, and to foster a sense of accountability for another human being. Now, I believe flour to be a weak substitute for the real thing, so we will use something else. You will be using a 'Tele-baby', an object that is bewitched to look, eat, scream, and act like a real baby, but in reality it just a mold of plastic. Don't get me wrong- it's just like having one of your own, and you will have it for the six weeks until Christmas break. Now, here is the syllabus," Professor Marsh waved her wand and papers appeared on everyone's desk.

"I am going to assign the partners now…" Marsh started. All the girls started giggling, and Hermione sighed. She should have stuck with 5th year Muggle Studies. At least then she didn't have to take care of yet another burden in her life.

Marsh conjured up a pair of tiny reading glasses, perched them on her nose, cleared her throat, and began to read. The class rustled into quietness.

"Hunter, you're with Kent Gardner…" Giggles.

"Jordan, you're with Spinnet." Lee Jordan got a high-five from George.

"Angelina Johnson, aaaand Greg James."

Hermione was nervous.

"Granger, and… oh, dear…" Mrs. Marsh gave Hermione an almost pitying look…"You're with Fred Weasley."

Uh oh.

After Professor Marsh had announced that the project would start the next day with the arrival of the baby on the girl's, Hermion stole a glance at Fred. Unfortunately, he was too busy having a mock fight with Lee Jordan using a couple of dragon finger puppets that shot flames. Hermione sighed. Great. This was going to be the father of her baby, and he was acting like a 6-year old.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Ginny asked later that day, at lunch.

"Oh nothing, Ginny. Just that Fred Weasley is going to be the father of my baby."

And not for the first time that day, Ginny, Ron, and Harry choked on their pumpkin juice and nearly avoided giving Hermione a premature shower.

A/N: I was sort of combing through ideas for a new story, and this is what resulted. Please tell me what you think! Email me, drop a line, anything. Thanks!


	2. A Happily Gurgling Baby

Ron was the first to recover. "Father of your baby?" he said faintly, while Harry and Ginny both looked on with incredulous looks on their faces.

"Yeah," Hermione said irritably, picking at some food, not realizing the innuendo she was implying. "I mean, I said _no…_ well, actually, I was screaming no in my _mind_, but I guess that didn't help, did it? I thought I had prevented all this hard work of having a baby, but I guess I should have just stayed on the level with the 5th years…"

Ron's jaw, if possible, dropped further. "You said no? Oh, my… Hermione!"

"What?" she said again, irritably. Why was everybody looking at her so funny?

"You… and Fred… he's my brother, for God's sakes… and… Hermione! I knew you dated Krum for a while, but I never knew you were seeing anyone else! Especially my brother!"

"What are you talking about?" she began crossly, but just then, Fred and George sat themselves down next to Harry.

"Hey mates!" Fred said cheerily, grabbing a plate of pork chops. Hermione gave him a sullen look while Harry, Ron, and Ginny stared dumbly on.

"So, Hermione, I guess we'll be seeing more of each other, won't we?" Fred asked, looking at her with a silly grin on his face.

"I guess so. But I'm still mad at you for not congratulating me after hearing the news: I guess play fighting with a few finger puppets took priority over me."

"My dear, Lee Jordon had bet me two Galleons that I would lose. I couldn't resist." Hermione began to fume.

"If this is the type of father you're going to be, I may end up raising little Ezekial by myself."

"Ezekial?" Fred asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, Ezekial."

"When did we decide on that?"

"When you were playing with your puppets."

"Well, I protest. No son of mine is going to have some namby-pamby name like Ezekial."

"Well, it could be a girl…" Hermione added. "And it might take after me…" she continued hopefully. Ron's fork dropped from his hand, raised halfway to his mouth, but he didn't move.

"Well, as long as it's name isn't Ezekial."

"Hmph. And don't think I'll let you get away with neglecting to feed the baby, or experimenting on it with your Weasly Wizarding Wheezes, or using it as the top card for one of your games of Exploding Snap…" Ginny and Harry were looking more horrified by the moment, and Ron looked like he was swallowing a rather large, tap-dancing tarantula. That was wearing high-heels.

"Fred…" Ron began in a strangled voice.

"What's wrong with him?" Fred asked Hermione. She shrugged.

"You're having a child… with Hermione!" Ron continued, looking horrified. "And you might experiment on it!

"Chin up, little bro. You can't get through 7th year Muggle Studies without doing this, you know…"

Instant relief flooded through everyone's face, and Ginny suddenly began to laugh uproariously. Ron blushed, quickly realized he looked silly with an upraised hand, and Harry soon joined Ginny.

"Ha ha… and I actually thought you… he he… and Hermione… oh ha ha…" Harry managed to choke out. Hermione looked offended. Ron, on the other hand, looked enormously relieved, and began to chuckle weakly. Hermione and Fred gave them all weird looks.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Potter," Fred said cheerily. He tenderly shucked Hermione under the chin, and she glared at him. She did _not_ want to have this baby. Especially with Fred.

"Can't have anything upsetting the mother of my baby, right?"

Hermione sighed, and blew a wisp of bang out of her eyes.

* * *

The next morning, Hermione woke up rather groggily. She had had this weird dream which left her with a funny feeling of, well, weirdness. She was standing on the sidelines of the Quidditch field, while Fred and Ron were picking sides for their teams. Thing was, everybody was riding miniature dragons, which had a tendency to fall asleep mid-flight unless you remembered to prod them with your heels. Hermione stood expectantly on the sideline, and even though she had never played Quidditch before, she was almost sure that Ron was going to pick her to be the Seeker on his team. Thing was, it was Fred that dropped down to hover at eye-level with her, and it was Fred that took her hand and led her to her broom... er, miniature dragon… and for some wild reason, Hermione felt like she had when Viktor Krum had first taken her hand… 

Which was why Hermione woke up with a feeling of weirdness. _Gross_, she thought, knowing she sounded like a little girl who thought boys still had cooties. _Fred? Please. I think I will laugh. _And she did. At least, she giggled, and had to stifle herself when Lavender muttered in her sleep and threatened to wake up. Hermione got up and quietly dressed, thinking that she would get an early breakfast and maybe a few hours of homework in. Yawning, she opened the door of her dormitory and proceeded down the stairs.

At least, she would have proceeded down the stairs, except she tripped over a neatly wrapped object swaddled in blue and almost killed herself doing a face plant on the hard stone floors.

The whole Gryffindor house woke up to Hermione's scream.

* * *

"So," Harry said, trying to hide a smile on his face at the breakfast table as Hermione sullenly bounced a happily gurgling baby on her knee. "How did… er, it… come into this world?" 

"I dunno," she snapped. "All I know is that someone laid this baby on the doorstep of my dormitory with a note that said 'Nathaniel James Weasley, son of Hermione and Fred Weasley…"

"You guys are married now?"

"…born yesterday, 8 pounds, 10 ounces… Oh, and then there was an advertisement for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans on the back of the note, because I guess this is a selling product…"

"Oh," Harry said, trying to keep a straight face. "Well, at least it's name isn't Ezekial."

Hermione made a face at him and pulled a bottle out of the blue baby bag she now had to carry around everywhere. "We're calling him Nate. I guess I don't have to worry about Fred killing a real baby… I mean, it's only plastic…"

"Yeah, but it sure does look real," Harry said, hastily pulling his fork away as the baby's chubby fist made a swipe at it.

"Well, I'm going to go and find my husband," Hermione said, putting away the bottle, gathering her things and hoisting the baby into her arms. She glared at a few 4th year girls who were looking at her and whispering, and once she realized everybody in the Great Hall was giving her a funny look, Hermione yelled "It's not mine! Grow up, people!"

With that, she flounced out of the Hall.

* * *

"So that's it?" Fred asked in the common room, 5 minutes later. "That's my son?" 

"Our son," Hermione corrected. Nate had dark hair and blue eyes, and Hermione's heart melted for a moment. "And you lucked out. We didn't get to choose it's… I mean his… name. Here, hold him. Hold Nate." Fred took the baby out of her arms, and Hermione was surprised that he did so with no trace of clumsiness.

"Where did you learn to hold a baby?" she asked, pleasantly surprised.

"Oh, you pick up things being an older brother," he said, winking. "Ron won't admit it, but he still hounds me to cradle him…" Hermione giggled.

"You liar."

Fred set Nate down on the couch, and looked hurt. "A liar? Me?"

"Anyways, I've drawn up schedules for proper time-allotment," Hermione said, conjuring up two pieces of parchment and giving one to Fred. "I figured we could alternate days, and do every other weekend…" The sound of shredding paper filled her ears, and Hermione looked at Fred indignantly.

"Fred!"

"Lighten up, Hermione! Listen, this is a partnership, not a job. Now, we can give and take a little, but I refuse to abide by any schedule when it comes to my son."

"Oh."

"I promise I'll be a responsible father, and…"

"Fred!" Hermione yelled. "Nate's crawling towards the fire!" And it was true- the dolls must have come prematurely aged, because this baby was already able to crawl, as it was doing so now, and very energetically to boot. Fred leaped over the couch, scooped the baby in his arms, and returned to an angry-looking Hermione.

"Er, right…" he began sheepishly. Nate was smiling and trying to grab Fred's bright red hair.

Hermione sniffed imperiously. "I'll take Nate first," she said. Her baby bag kept bumping into her legs, her overstuffed book bag weighed more than Crabbe and Goyle put together, and Nate kept trying to grab a lock of her bushy hair, yet Hermione still managed to make a lofty exit and head to her first class of the day, Potions.

* * *

**NeVeRmInD2**- I've always liked the idea of an uptight Hermione and a carefree Weasley twin who would get on her every last nerve. As to why I pricked Fred, well, I liked the name better... :) Thanks for reading!

Thank you to my reviewers! I love you!


	3. The Incident of the Flying Baby

A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! Keep 'em coming!

Hermione clattered into the Potions room and accidentally buffeted Draco in the back of the head with her soon-to-be notorious baby bag. Draco turned around in shock, and his eyes widened even further at seeing Hermione toting a baby on her hip. He opened his mouth to no doubt hurl some insult, but seemed to decide against it when he saw Seamus and Dean eyeing him warningly. Hermione paid him no heed, but rather sat down at one of the tables and proceeded to gratefully unload all of her packs all over the table, and conjured up a baby chair to place right next to her. She managed to get a squealing Nate into his high chair when Ron and Harry arrived, out of breath.

"We're late… is Snape here? No? Oh… good…" Harry and Ron sat down on Nate's left, depositing their stuff, and Ron looked very uncomfortable when Nate suddenly grabbed one of his fingers and began gnawing on it.

"Um, Hermione?" Ron asked, uncomfortably. Harry sniggered, while Hermione absented-mindedly patted Ron's head and said "Good boy."

"Wrong one, Hermione," Harry said with a smile on his face.

"Oh, sorry," she said, and promptly switched to patting Nate on the head. He gurgled happily, and Ron hastily rescued his finger and began to wipe it on his shirt.

Hermione started to arrange her papers and began to hum, vaguely wondering where Snape was. Since he had not yet arrived, Hermione gently picked up Nate and stood up, softly bouncing him on her hip while cooing to him. Draco had a look of pure delight on his face, and began whispering to Crabbe and Goyle, but Hermione didn't notice, and continued to point out objects in Snape's classroom to a fascinated Nate.

"See, Natey? There's a jar of Mangleweed Poison, which Professor Snape has no doubt tried to kill your Uncle Harry with about seven times… and look, there's the gargoyle sink, see the grotesque nose? It bears a striking resemblance to that of Snapey-poo's… Oh, and that's Snapey's cauldron, where he mixes his Elixers of Death…"

Hermione hastily shut up when Snape swept into the room right past her. She began to head towards her seat, but suddenly, Neville Longbottom came careening into the room, apparently late and terrified of Snape's punishment, and not looking where he was going…

Neville crashed into the back of Hermione, and the impact flung Nate out of Hermione's arms. Hermione, forgetting for a brief second that the baby was not real, uttered a blood-curdling scream, not for the first time that day. Ron made a sudden grab for the baby, but he was too late. Snape, startled by the sudden commotion, whirled around, and as he did so a happily soaring Nate landed right in his arms, who promptly reached up and grabbed Snape's nose.

Nobody spoke for at least five seconds.

"Well," Professor Snape finally said, after wrestling his nose away from the gurgling baby. His voice was deadly soft. "And who decided to impregnate themselves this year?"

"Sorry, Professor," Hermione said, rushing towards Snape. She gathered Nate up in her arms and retreated to the safety of Ron and Harry, who would undoubtedly protect her if Snape assumed his true from as a bat and decided to assault her.

"Muggle Studies, you see…"

"Ahhh," Snape said, glaring at Hermione. "Well then, Miss Granger, how do you propose to keep this, er, baby out of my way and quiet in class?"

"Well…" Hermione began. She hadn't really thought about it. "Erm… I guess I could give Nate to his father, who may not have class at the moment…"

"There's a father?" Snape asked.

"Well, I think it would be physically impossible otherwise." Ron had to choke back a laugh.

"Then I suggest you place this… baby… in his care. You have exactly ten minutes. GO." Hermione sighed, but did as she was told, and went to go look for Fred.

"Oh, and twenty points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger," Snape said to her retreating back.

* * *

Turns out Fred was in the commons, sitting with Lee, George, and Angelina. Hermione smiled when she saw an equally harried-looking Angelina holding a baby swathed in a pink blanket, and they both shared a 'This-mother-thing-sucks-especially-when-you're-wed-to-a-rascal' look. Fred saw Hermione approaching, and bounded out of the chair to greet her. 

"Darling! Mother of my baby!" He cried jovially. Angelina smiled at the sour look on Hermione's face.

"Here," Hermione said, depositing Nate into Fred's well-muscled arms. They were nearly equal height, Fred being a little bit taller, and Hermione's shoulder brushed against his chest as she turned around to grab a few things out of her baby bag. Hermione suddenly found it funny that she was "married" to one of the most irresponsible boys in the school.

"Bottle, pacifier, and blanket… That should hold you over for a few hours, right?"

"Sure," Fred said, holding Nate in one arm. "What happened to you taking him for the day?"

"Snape got mad when Nate went flying out of my arms and landed in his."

"And you call me the irresponsible one?"

"It wasn't my fault," Hermione said. "Neville ran into me."

"Riiight…" Fred said, eyebrow said. Hermione smiled at him, and suddenly became lost in thought as Fred began to adjust the baby. Fred Weasley… Ron's older brother, always hovering around in some area of her life, wreaking havoc, breaking rules, pulling pranks. She never had really dealt with him directly, but he always had a kind word, even if most of it implied some sort of sexual innuendo. She knew that if they were actually married, this would have been the opportune moment to lightly kiss him off, and head back to her work, humming happily. But they weren't, and Hermione felt a sudden pang of… _something_, which she quickly brushed aside. It didn't help that he was funny, and outgoing, and played Quidditch… and even though Hermione was a bookworm, she could still appreciate his body. And she heard he had a temper…. Hermione pictured herself in a heated argument with Fred, tempers raised, arguing dramatically, and her storming away angrily, before he bounded after her and folded her in his arms…

Hermione sighed.

"What is it?" Fred asked, loosing all his previous jocularity. Was his concern real? Maybe.

"Nothing," Hermione said. "Just… nothing. You want Nate for a while?"

"Sure," Fred said, his attention now elsewhere. "I think we'll be heading down to the Quidditch Pitch for a few hours of practice, but I'll deck him out in blankets."

"Sure," Hermione said. "Now, I've got to get back to Potions…"

"See you, then" Fred said, his gaze lingering on Hermione's back an instant longer than normal… but he was tired, and so one cannot make him accountable for his actions.


	4. Agree to Disagree

A/N: I am SO SO SORRY! I haven't updated this in about… oh, half a year? Well, here goes. I WILL FINISH IT. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You guys kept me writing.

* * *

Hermione exited the Potions classroom a few hours later with two thoughts: one, she was hungry, and two, she needed to find Nate. Oh, and her husband, but Nate… 

She remembered Fred telling her that he would be taking Nate down to the Quidditch field for a little bit of a hit-around. After saying good-bye to Ron and Harry, and hastily exiting lest Snape decided to exact revenge after the incident of the flying baby, Hermione deposited her things in the Gryffindor common room and began to walk towards the Quidditch pitch, shivering slightly in the cool air.

"Rock-a-by-baby, on the castle-top… when Ron runs from Snape, he'll probably hop…" hummed Hermione cheerfully. She didn't know why, but she was in an undeniably good mood lately, and continued to hum as her footsteps carried her ever closer to the Quidditch pitch. Soon, she heard a male voice laughing hysterically, and then the unmistakable _thoomp_as somebody caught the Quaffle. She smiled, looking forward to seeing Fred's eager face as he caught sight of her.

She clambered up into some of the bleachers and caught sight of Lee, Fred, and George all zooming around on their brooms, swiftly diving and circling each other, tossing a pink Quaffle. Hermione settled onto a bleacher, content to watch her husband… er, best friend's older brother who happened to be quite a good Chaser even though he was a Beater… Her eyes followed George as he flew in a wide arc around Lee, then he tossed the Quaffle to Fred, who fielded it in the nook of his right arm. The Quaffle squealed happily, and Fred…

Wait. The Quaffle _squealed_? Hermione quickly stood up, and strained her eyes towards the flying object… Oh my God… That looked like a…

"BABY!" Hermione screamed. "FRED WEASLEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING BUT YOU BETTER UNJINX NATE RIGHT NOW! WE DO NOT USE OUR BABY AS A FLYING IMPLEMENT!" Hermione's shriek echoed around the whole stadium, and the three flying players guiltily halted what they were doing right as "our baby as a flying implement" echoed for the second time. After pitying and almost frightened glances from his friends, Fred flew down until he was face-to-face with a glowering Hermione. He was holding a Nate that had been jinxed into a form resembling a Quaffle.

Even though Hermione's temper was renown throughout Hogwarts, Fred managed to keep his composure and say, "Yes, pumpkin?"

"FRED! I can't…. I don't… what did…. AGH! What did you do?"

"Do? I thought I'd take Nate for a walk…"

"He isn't a dog…"

"And introduce him to a manly sport I like to call Quidditch. You're familiar with Quidditch, aren't you?" His sarcasm was evident, but he was evidently trying not to smile.

"Of course," Hermione snapped. She tried to grab Nate, but nearly ending up toppling over the balcony. After hastily righting herself, she sniffed and said, "But Fred, you're using him as a Quaffle."

"So?" Fred replied. "Nate apparently likes it." And it was true. Nate was smiling happily, and besides a bit of drool, looked no worse for wear. He was swaddled in some blankets that had been jinxed as well into the shape of a Quaffle, and Nate continued to squeal happily.

"But…"

"Hermione. I know what I'm doing," Fred said softly. "But you can't coddle Nate if you… I mean, we… want him to grow up and be a Parker." Hermione thought about it for a moment. Parker was a 3rd year Hufflepuff who would cry if he didn't receive an arsenal of gifts from home every morning when the owls arrived.

"Fine," Hermione said irritably. "But Fred, I feel like we're not on the same page when it comes to Nate."

"Well," he said. "Why don't you and I go grab some lunch, then, and try to compromise."

Hermione usually didn't like compromise: she thought she knew what was best, and didn't like it when somebody proved her wrong. But, shrugging, she complied, a little suspicious. Why was Fred being so mature?

"Great," Fred said. "Come on, then." He waved goodbye to Lee and George, dismounted his broom, and he and Hermione headed towards the Great Hall for some lunch.

"Strange," Lee said. "I've never seen Fred act that, well, _nice_. Especially towards Hermione."

"They do have a child together," George replied. They were still hovering on their broomsticks, deprived of their living Quaffle, and now George was starting to think that lunch wasn't such a bad idea.

"That sounds so wrong."

"It does, doesn't it? Fred… a father…"

"Do you think he likes her?"

"Who, Fred? Like Hermione? Come on Lee, do you really need to ask me? He's doin' it 'cause of the baby… I think it might be a reality check for my devilishly-handsome twin. Besides, they're both… um… _very_ strong characters."

Lee didn't say anything as he watched the retreating backs of Hermione and Fred.

* * *

Harry smiled when he saw Hermione and Fred walk through the door of the Great Hall, arguing animatedly. Harry thought it would be something about Nate (who had been returned to his normal baby-self on the walk back), but Nate was merely taking more swipes at Hermione's vast mound of curls and she wasn't even noticing. As they got closer, Harry heard traces of what seemed to be an intellectual conversation… _Wait, Fred? Actively participating in an intellectual conversation?_

"Don't be silly, Fred. Being an Animagus is about as dangerous as taking care of Flubberworms. There is no danger so long as that person knows what he is doing."

"Right, Hermione. _As long as he knows what he's doing. _Do you realize how many people attempt to transform themselves into Animagi, and if theymess upit goes horribly wrong? Try converting yourself into an otter before you finished your studies, or were maybeunsurebut wanted to try in anyways, andsomewhere it goes wrong and you have an otter heart and an otter stomach but a human brain or a human body… the consequences are almost disgusting to think about. Actually, you know, that gives me an idea for a prank…"

Hermione felt thunderstruck. Never had she heard about this. Never had she heard anyone telling her something she didn't know.

"Are you lying to me?" she asked suspiciously, shifting Nate to her other hip, freeing her right hand to smack Fred if he was feeding her a bunch of baloney (or bologna, whichever you prefer).

"Of course not."

"How did you know that?"

"Because I havepicked up a few things here and there," Fred said, winking at her. Hermione was still trying to cope with the fact that Fred had told her something she didn't know. Hermionedidn't even realize they had reached Gryffindor Table until her shins smacked painfully into a bench.

"Oy, 'Mione, watch where you're going," Ron said, grabbing his pitcher of pumpkin juice to make sure it didn't topple from the table.

"Hi guys," Harry said, smiling at the two "parents". "How's Nate?"

"Well, besides almost dying a painful death by burning, landing in the arms of Snape, and being used as a human Quaffle, he's doing great," Hermione said, glowering at Fred.

Nate burped, and started to giggle.

"I'm trying to raise him to be a real man," Fred said, grinning widely at Harry. His "wife" gave him a look that could have melted a particularly cold ice-sculpture, but luckily he wasn't looking. He and Hermione took a seat opposite Harry and Ron, and began to serve themselves from the multitude of food-laden plates. Hermione conjured a baby seat, then cut up a potato into small pieces and began feeding them to Nate.

"So we can switch our nights of caring for Nate," Hermione said later, after Harry and Ron had left. Ron had claimed they were going to do 'homework," but Hermione had a suspicious feeling that she had seen Harry's Invisibility Cloak poking out of a small bag Ron had been carrying. Boys.

"Sure," Fred said, distracted. He seemed to be looking at the Ravenclaw Table, but focused all of his attention on Hermione again.

"And so, dearest wife, have we agreed on a method to raise our son?"

Hermione frowned at the apparent sarcasm in his voice, but decided to ignore it.

"Well, maybe we can agree to disagree, and see what the future brings us," Hermione said, having no idea that she had a lot in store for her.

* * *

A/N: (Sorry, another one) I know Hermione dropped Muggle Studies, but this fits my purpose, and this is fan fiction, isn't it? Thank you all you dears for reading! 


	5. A Compromising Situation

Hermione was asleep. Well, actually, she was in that period where you are half-asleep and half-awake, that stage where you still have complete control over your mind but can't seem to lift a finger because this great fog has descended upon you. She was hazily dreaming about those damn dragons again, only this time, the miniature flying dragons were carrying Nate on their backs, but there were several Nates and they were all a Nate at a different age in his life. Hermione spotted a baby Nate, then what must have been a 3 year old Nate who was sucking his thumb and alternately trying to grab the dragon's tail (_Yup, that's Fred's son_ Hermione thought wryly), and then a teenage Nate. Hermione was startled to see how much Teenage Nate resembled a blend of his parents… er, surrogate guardians who in no way procreated to bring him into existence… and Hermione was just about to step onto the Quidditch Pitch when one of the dragons opened his mouth to roar and from its mouth came the sound of an unhappy baby crying…

Wait… dragons don't cry…

Hermione jerked awake involuntarily, and was confused when the sound didn't go away, but rather intensified in the darkness of the still room as Hermione realized that Nate was crying unhappily from the cradle she had placed beside her bed. Hermione groggily leapt up, afraid that Nate's cries would wake up a very irritated Parvati and Lavender, and bundled Nate into a blanket. Hermione glanced at her watch and groaned: it was 2:30 in the morning. She wildly racked her brain for ideas of what to do. Getting top-grades in all her classes had not prepared her for this.

Hermione tried to sooth Nate, who had screwed up his eyes and was bawling with every breath left in his little lungs. Hermione couldn't help but feel irritated and sorry for him at the same up. He seemed so _real_! She gently bounced him and quickly left her dormitory, relieved that somehow Parvati and Lavender were fast asleep, snoring loudly (something that immensely irritated Hermione). She headed towards the Common Room, thinking that maybe the warmth from the dying fire would soothe the baby, but after five minutes her plan failed. Nate was still crying unhappily, and Hermione had no idea what to do.

Then it hit her. She didn't know why she hadn't thought of it before.

Hermione had heard her Aunt talking about her cousin Jordan when he was a baby. Whenever Jordan made a fuss, her Aunt would always bring out a warm bottle of milk, which would instantly smooth the baby and put him right to sleep after he drank it. Hermione got up wearily from the sofa, prepared to make an illegal, late-night voyage to the kitchens, when her heart sank again. Every year, the location of the kitchen was hidden to make sure people like Fred and George couldn't find it…

Wait… Fred! Of course he would know. The twins didn't let a trifling change in location alter their disturbingly precise map of Hogwarts. So Hermione tried to shush Nate, swallowed hard, and began to make her way up to the 7th year Boy's Dormitory.

Hermione's hand knocked on the heavy oak door gently at first, then persistently stronger.

"Fred!" she hissed. "Fred! Open up! It's 2:30 in the morning, I'm tired, I look like a Niffler who got into a fight with a flubberworm and lost, and our baby is crying! Fred! FRED!" What Hermione forgot to add was that she was helpless when it came to dealing with the crying baby in her arms, and she needed Fred to somehow take care of the problem.

She didn't want to pound on the door, but she knew that her knocking would probably wake everyone in the dorm up anyway. That was, if they were there. Hermione wouldn't be surprised if Lee and the Twins were gallivanting somewhere in the castle, oblivious to her dire needs and her blatant lack of sleep.

"FRED!" she hissed, even louder. "Open the goddamn door or I will…"

The door swung open, and a very confused and tired-looking Fred was standing in the doorway. "Hermione," he said sleepily, rubbing his hand in his eyes. "What are you doing?"

Hermione forgot why she was currently there. Standing before her was Fred Weasley, his red hair tousled and his eyes sleepy, in his entire glorious, naked splendor, a pair of black boxers the only thing saving Hermione from utter mortification. Fred… half naked, in front of her… Why couldn't she stop staring? He was obviously tired, and Hermione was grateful that he didn't notice her sudden, unconcealed interest in his chest. _Wow…_ Hermione found herself thinking appreciatively. _It might have been nice if brining Nate into existence didn't involve just waking up…_

"Fred?" a groggy voice came from behind the partially opened door. "Who 'dat?"

"My wife," Fred said sleepily over his shoulder to Lee Jordan, the owner of the groggy voice. "Go to sleep, Lee."

"Yes, mother," was the reply, followed by a soft snore.

"What's wrong with Nate?" Fred asked suddenly, waking up a little. Hermione snatched Fred from his room and shut the door behind them. _Stop thinking about Fred's chest_… she thought stupidly.

Nate's cries brought Hermione back to reality, and she irritably answered, "I have no idea."

A knowing look came into Fred's eyes. "I see what's going on," Fred said, beginning to grin. Hermione was grumpy now. How could anyone be happy this late at night?

"You were missing me too much, so you tried to schedule a little rendezvous with me using Nate as a cover… I didn't know you to be that type of girl, Hermione. Well, if we must, I know a great little room off the 5th Floor Corridor…"

"Fred Weasley!" Hermione said, slapping Fred's arm indignantly. "I most certainly would have found a more clever way to do _that_ that didn't involve waking us both up in the middle of the night!"

"Aha! So you have thought about it, then!" Fred said triumphantly, taking Nate from Hermione's hands without a word.

"Of course not," Hermione said, flustered now that merely seconds ago she had been fantasizing about Fred's chest and what it would feel like pressed against her… _Oh bloody hell… _Hermione thought again, trying (and failing) to close her mind to the naughty thoughts running through it.

"Stupid git," Hermione added, glaring at him. Fred no longer seemed sleepy, and he didn't even seem to notice he was wearing only his boxers. "We are merely partners in a class who engaged in the purely platonic affair of raising Nate. I actually thought of running to the kitchen for some milk, but I don't know where the entrance is."

Fred's eyes danced. "You, break a rule?"

"Shut up," Hermione said. "I've broken a fair number of rules myself, you know. Now show me where the kitchen is. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, not to mention I am armed with a very keen intellect that could scald the very freckles off of your face if you don't comply with my every demand."

Fred eyes widened. "Lead the way, Lady Ironpants."

Hermione glared at him, and then headed towards the portrait hole. She opened it, and held it open for him and Nate. "After you," she said, and then followed a half-naked Fred (who happened to be clutching her baby) out of the portrait hole.

* * *

Hermione was now giggling as Fred was leading her back from the kitchens. Nate had been fed somewhere along the 2nd Corridor and was now dozing gently in Fred's arms, his head resting against Fred's chest. _Bloody lucky baby… _Hermione thought happily. She didn't know what had happened, but Fred had somehow made her smile en route to the kitchens, and the exhilaration of being out so late and wandering the halls had only made the experience all the more thrilling. She had teased Fred unmercifully about being in his boxers, and Fred had taken it all into stride, until he finally replied,

"I can take them off, if you want, Hermione." That immediately shut her up.

"Well, we're back," Hermione said, once they reached the Common Room. It was silent, and Hermione marveled at how well Fred took care of Nate. It kind of irritated her that Fred was innately better at something than she was. The warm glow of the fire sobered her, but it's warmth made her slightly hot so she took off her robe and laid it on the chair. She had on a long nightgown.

"Why are you so good with kids?" Hermione asked, nodding at the peacefully sleeping Nate. Fred set him gently down on the couch and shrugged.

"I have a lot of brothers and sisters. You just pick these things up." Hermione nodded. She was an only child and had always been awkward around little kids.

"Isn't it kind of funny?" Hermione said. "I mean, us? Being parents?"

Fred smiled. "Sure. But I can't wait for the real thing. Well, I guess I can. But it's something to look forward to, you know?"

Hermione nodded slowly, then changed her mind and shook her head. "I have no idea what I'm doing," she confessed, half ashamed and half proud that she admitted a weakness. "It's just…"

"Where'd Nate go?" Fred asked suddenly, cutting her off. Hermione shot a glance at the couch, now empty.

"Damn!" Hermione swore. "Can't that baby keep still for one second?"

"There he is!" Fred said. Hermione caught his glance, and she saw that Nate had woken up and was now crawling to the other side of the room.

"I'll get him," Fred said, bounding towards the baby, at the exact same time that Hermione had said "I've got it," and was leaping towards the baby at the same time.

The result was a painful smacking between their two flying bodies, and Hermione and Fred tumbled to the floor, Fred on top of her as they both immediately began groaning in pain. Hermione's skin thrilled at the weight bearing down on her and the feel of his skin against hers. But Nate was still crawling exuberantly across the floor, and Hermione was struggling to get out from a still groaning Fred when a voice said from one of the staircases said, "Guys, get a room."

Hermione froze. That voice belonged to Lee Jordan, and she could see in her mind what this must look like to him: Fred half naked, Hermione's robe discarded on the chair, Fred on top of Hermione, them groaning, her struggling…

"Shit!" she said. "Fred, get _off_ me!" She said, shoving Fred off of her. She leapt up, grabbed Nate, and turned to a gaping Lee Jordan.

"Lee," she said nervously. "Erm… this isn't what it looks like."

"I'll say," Lee said, beginning to smile. "I was just trying to get a snack from the kitchens. Man, you really scored this time!" He said across Hermione's shoulder to Fred, who was laughing uproariously from his sitting position on the floor. Hermione could feel herself blushing furiously.

_I'm screwed, _Hermione thought. _There is no way this won't be all over school tomorrow._

* * *

A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers! AmberJupiter, I promise I will be better! Thanks for being patient. I loved your review! Christy January- I prefer chocolate chip :-) Thank you everyone who reviewed! Hugs to you all! 


	6. Fred Proposes Something

**Chapter Six: Fred Proposes Something**

Hermione sat glumly at the Gryffindor Table the next morning, picturing the looks on her friend's faces when word got around school that she and Fred had supposedly been shagging on the floor of the Gryffindor Common floor. _How tacky_… Hermione thought, wrinkling her nose. _We could have at least found a slightly more respectable place to be caught, like an unused classroom…_

Harry and Ron took their seats opposite Hermione, interrupting her silent melancholy. Harry was trying hard to suppress a snigger, yet Ron looked a shade paler than usual. Hermione sighed again. This whole breakfast table, embarassing-moment-between-Fred-and-Hermione deal was becoming a habit she was wanting to avoid.

"Hermione," Ron said, after clearing his throat. "We need to talk."

Hermione gloomily looked at them, and Harry succumbed to a suspicious-sounding cough.

"Erm…" Ron started, his ears turning red, "I know you are a… developed… no, I mean a blossoming… err, grown woman… I mean lady… I mean woman-lady…" Ron was obviously flustered, and Hermione almost smiled at the pained look on his face. "But, honestly, do you and my brother have to… erm…"

Ron's ears were turning the color of a cherry-flavored Every Flavor Bean.

"Well, that is to say… Fred… and you… in the common room… I mean, I heard… it's just… oh, bloody hell…"

"Ron," Hermione sighed, "Your brother and I did not engage in any sexual relations last night. We never have, and probably never will. I say probably because there is a slight chance that every other male on the earth might die and I would have to procreate with him in order to bring a return of the human race."

Now Harry was laughing uproariously.

"And what's so funny?" Hermione asked crossly, turning to Harry. "Is there something funny about my compromising situation last night?"

"Well, the way Lee was describing it, he's got the whole school wishing they could have seen the Bookworm and the Prankster… you know…"

"I am not a bookworm," Hermione muttered rebelliously. "And those people need to get a life."

"So you didn't… you know?" Ron asked hopefully, and looked relieved when Hermione exasperatedly shook her head.

"Guys, grow up!" she said. "Honestly, sometimes Fred does seem more mature than either of you…"

"What's that, my little baby cakes?" Fred said, swooping down upon the table and sitting next to Hermione. He was holding Nate but quickly deposited him in Ron's arms. Ron looked terrified."Still reeling after last night?"

Hermione poked Fred sharply in the chest. "Fred Weasley, do not encourage your friend to spread any untrue rumors! Why, I can't believe you aren't telling everyone it's not true and demanding they grovel at my feet, apologizing!"

"Well, Hermione, when two people are passionately in love, they can't help but take off their clothes and…"

"Fred!" Hermione shrieked, practically leaping over the table to hastily cover Nate's ears. "It was _warm_, and _we are not passionately in love_."

"Suit yourself," Fred said, shrugging. But after Hermione returned to her seating position, he tenderly patted Hermione's hand, and said without a trace of sarcasm, "Don't worry, 'Mione. No one will believe Lee anyway, and if they do it will be forgotten in a month."

Hermione started. Fred, being tender? Her gaze lingered on his now laughing face as he and Harry started discussing the upcoming Quidditch match versus Hufflepuff. He absentmindedly gave her back a reassuring rub, and Hermione could see his muscles flexing out of the corner of her eye.

"Hello, lovers," George said, descending upon the table and reaching for a pitcher of Pumpkin Juice. "Have fun last night?"

And Hermione was surprised when she found herself laughing with the rest of the table.

* * *

The next day in class, Professor Marsh was sternly surveying her Muggle Studies class. George seemed to be slipping his baby experimental treats from the shop he and Fred were masterminding, and Angelina looked harried as her partner, Greg James, was allowing their baby to crawl underneath the desks with a pencil in it's mouth. The sound of crying babies filled the room, which only added to the impending chaos, but Hermione and Fred were engaged in conversation, and Hermione didn't seem to mind the chaos for once. They were sitting together, and Hermione didn't even think twice about the fact that Fred had made the excuse that they "needed to set a good example for Nate". 

"Fred, feeding someone a Canary Cream without their knowledge is akin to slipping somebody poison."

Fred looked highly affronted.

"Are you comparing our Wheezes to poison?"

"Well…"

"Hermione!"

"Ok! Ok! I'm sorry! I was comparing them to poison. Happy?"

"Of course not! You would be surprised at how many products we have developed that aren't humor-related."

"Oh really?" Hermione asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Really. We've even developed health-related ones."

"I find that hard to believe," Hermione said, picturing Fred dressed in a long white overcoat with a stethoscope, only to have it turn into a chicken as he was measuring a poor, unsuspecting patient's heartbeat.

"Such as?" Hermione continued.

"Well, we developed a pill for hangovers…" Fred started, his eyes lighting up.

"What?" Hermione asked, startled. "You could sell that for gads of money in the Muggle World. They have been trying to find a cure for a hangover for ages!"

"Yeah, but this one involves magic," Fred said excitedly, his voice lowering. "And we don't want anyone to find out, because then there would be swarms of people trying to steal our idea before we perfected it."

"Oh, so it's not perfected? And why are you telling me?"

"No, but it's almost there. It works, Hermione! It really does! And besides, as the mother of my baby I think I can let you in on this little family secret."

"I don't believe you," Hermione said, absentmindedly feeding Nate from a bottle. "Well, I believe I'm smart... ok, bloody brilliant and not too bad-looking to boot...but I don't believe you could have possibly invented a cure for a hangover."

"It works! I swear to Merlin!" Fred said, holding his hand over his heart, his eyes large and innocent.

"It can't be done," she said. She wanted to smack Fred for looking so innocent and cute when there were rumors flying around school that they had... _you know_. She didn't want everyone to see them acting like they really had"shagged like wild weasels", in the words of Lee.

"Oh, really, Hermione?" Fred said challengingly, his eyes lighting up. "Well then, I guess you'll just have to try it for yourself."

"It can't be done, Fred!" Hermione now said angrily. "You would have to rearrange so many molecular structures of the human genome to aviod the hangover issue..."

"Or you just take a pill right after you're done drinking and it impedes the effects."

"Oh," Hermione said, her mouth hanging open, mid-argument. It was so simple. Why hadn't she thought of it before?

"It still can't be done," she said.

"Really?" Fred said. He leaned closer, and like a magnet, so did Hermione.

"Then I guess you will just have to try it, Hermione." He leaned back, and Hermione was disappointed.

"Fine," Hermione said, her curiousity outweighing her judgement. "Fine," she said again, with a daring she didn't really feel. "Let's see what this Wheeze can do."

Fred looked delighted, but before he got a chance, someone at the back of the room yelled "Way to go, Weasley! She's a looker under all those books!"

Hermione groaned and put her head in her hands.

Professor Marsh began class.

* * *

A/N: I am so sorry it took me this long. My internet was down, and I almost perished... But anyways, thank you, thank you, thank you! **sandiwandi**- Thank you for reading, I loved your review! I know, lucky baby, right? **BeautifulMisconception**- I'm glad that at least one person thinks I'm funny : ) Thank you for reviewing! **Jane Average- **I really appreciate your review- it was insightful and helpful. Thank you, and if I ever revise the story I will think of something else for the kitchen. 

**THIS IS IMPORTANT: Do you guys want me to continue in this light, funny style, or can I throw in some drama and make this more like a novel, but still keep the humor? Please leave a review. I have chapter 7 written, but I don't know what you guys want... again, please leave a review and tell me where you could see this going. Or email me, doesn't matter. Thanks.**


	7. Hermione Fred Firewhiskey Means Troubl...

A/N: I have always felt like Hermione was much more than a nerdy bookworm. She has proven that she is sassy (punching Draco, standing up for herself), a quick thinker, and affectionate. If she seems OOC, well, I am merely exploring what I feel Hermione really is. That's it. Enjoy the chapter. I had fun writing it!

Chapter Seven: Hermione + Fred + Firewhisky MeansTrouble

Hermione was trying to write an essay in the library that night, but for some reason she was fidgety and restless. She wanted to be with Fred, to see his face light up when she said something funny or to see his brow furrow slightly when he was contemplating a question she had posed.

Hermione sighed. She was in denial. She tried to pretend that her eagerness to see Fred was merely a part of her Muggle Studies project. Hermione didn't know what she felt, but it was different than the way she felt when she was with Harry and Ron. Hermione never had an easy time trying to sort through her feelings, and whenever she tried she always felt dazed and confused afterwards.

Hermione tried to return to her essay. She picked up her quill and sighed again, but it was no use. No matter how many times she sighed, she wasn't able to concentrate on Ugden the Unenthusiastic. Fortunately, she was saved from utter boredom and confusion when a large, brown bag came slowly sailing out of nowhere and landed with a _clink _on her parchments. Startled, she whipped around, half irritated that her parchments were now out of their proper order.

"Fred!" she whispered, beginning to smile at seeing the redhead. He was not as tall as Ron, but he was still tall, yet stockier and, in Hermione's opinion, more muscular. "What are you doing here?"

Fred bounded over to her, and said, "Remember, today? You said you didn't believe me when I told you about the Cure-for-Sure pill?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I'm about to show you that it will indeed work."

"What?" Hermione blanched. "You were actually serious?"

"Of course I was," Fred replied.

"What? What's in the bag?" Hermione asked suspiciously. "And where is Nate?"

"There's some Firewhisky and Cleo's Rum in the bag, and Nate is with George."

Hermione could feel her jaw drop. "You brought _alcohol_? To the _library_? That's like shagging in a chapel!" she said, horrified, ignoring the fact that her baby was with someone as irresponsible as Fred.

"Tut tut, Hermione. I never knew this side of you!" Fred replied, laughing.

They must have caused a commotion, becauseMadame Pince seemed toApparate directly behindFred and Hermione almost fainted.

"Is everything all right, dears?" the librarian asked, directing the question towards Fred, whom to her recollection she had never seen in the library before.

"Yes," Hermione squeaked, beginning to sweat. If Madame Pince found out what was in the bag…

"What's in the bag?" Madam Pince asked, as if reading Hermione's mind and deciding to torture her extensively. The brown bag sat innocently in front of Hermione, taunting her.

"Well, actually," Hermione began, frantically racking her brain, but Fred cut her off.

"You see, Madam Pince, Hermione had recently requested some birth control methods from Nurse Pomfrey, and as she was too embarrassed to go pick them up herself, I graciously volunteered my services and decided to drop them off to her in an anonymous bag." Hermione's jaw dropped open, and she shot a look of venom at Fred, but he was looking directly at the librarian, trying to keep a straight face.

"Oh, dear," Madam Pince said, for once revealing a non-vulture-like emotion. She glanced at Fred, then at Hermione, and Hermione began shaking her head vigorously, understanding the librarian's unasked question. Hermione's mouth was still open.

"Well, then," she said, almost kindly. It seemed to pain her. Apparently, she had never had to deal with birth control methods in her library before.

"Fred!" Hermione hissed, when the librarian was out of earshot. "You have single-handedly tarnished my reputation in two days! Now everyone thinks I'm some kind of… whore!"

"Relax, Hermione," Fred said. "Who really cares about what everyone thinks? You're not a whore, so why bother listening to others who know nothing about you?"

"I…" Hermione began, but found she couldn't retort. He was right.

"Well, then, let's get going," Fred said, hoisting the bag and tugging at Hermione's arm. "Leave your stuff here, we're going to an empty class room on the 6th Corridor."

"Fred, I'm not much of a drinker," Hermione began, as Fred gently eased her hand into his.

"Don't worry, 'Mione. Remember, this is for scientific purposes."

Hermione giggled "You really are a bad influence on me." She mock punched him in the arm, and he tightened his grip slightly. She could see him smiling. They passed Madam Pince, and Hermione almost winced when she realized what vision she and Fred must have been sending to the librarian.

"Hermione, someday we are going to make you lighten up."

Hermione smiled. "And some day, we are going to knock some maturity into you."

Fred shuddered. "I hope not."

He led her out of the library and through the softly lit corridors. Hermione shivered slightly, and leaned closer to Fred, who was guiding her through the halls. Hermione wasn't surprised that he led her behind two tapestries and three hidden staircases, merely content to feel his strong hand against hers. She felt a sudden thrill go through her body- she had never done anything like this before, and probably wouldn't have on her own. But Fred made her want to keep up with him, to let go of everything she was worrying about and focus on extracting the fun out of every moment. They came upon the dark corridor, and Hermione happily let Fred guide her down the dimly lit hall.

"Fred?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"What if we get caught?"

"It's almost ten o'clock. No one uses this floor for anything besides classes."

They came upon a heavy oak door, and Fred pushed it open. He ushered Hermione in, then closed the door behind them. He set the bag gently on the front desk, and turned to her. He brought two pills out of his robes, and placed them on the teacher's desk. Hermione eyed them dubiously. They looked like electric green horse pills. Fred was smiling from ear to ear, and it was infectious. Hermione began to smile too.

"You ready, Miss Smartypants?" he asked, the chink of glass audible as he pulled out a container of the reddish whisky.

Hermione bared her teeth in a grin. Seeing Fred standing right in front of her gave her a sudden surge of confidence, and she grabbed the bottle.

"Bottoms up, Mr. Weasley."

* * *

Forty five minutes later, Hermione was giggling uncontrollably. The half-empty bottle of Firewhisky was leaning precariously on the desk, and Hermione was high amused by a recent imitation of what Snape would look like if his underwear had turned to ice, courtesy of Fred. 

"Freasley…" she said, tittering. "I mean, Fred Weasley… I do believe I am smashed."

Fred was slightly more composed, although it was apparent he had his share of the alcohol.

"'Mione, dear, do try not to step on my feet."

"Oops… 'Scuze me…" she said, sitting back on a desk.

"You know, 'Mione, you look so much mappier… I mean, happier… when you aren't so uptight."

"I know!" she said, and hiccupped. "I KNOW!"

"Hermione…" Fred said, tilting his head and looking at her. Hermione was envious that he could do that without losing his balance. "What are we doing?"

"We're playing cards, silly!"

"No, we aren't playing cards."

"Oops. Then we are playing cards while breaking about a kajillion rules!"

"No, Hermione. We aren't playing cards."

"Well, then," Hermione said, sobering slightly at the thought of an intellectual question. "I guess we're getting to know each other. You know, Fred," she began, before her newly found confidence faded away with her buzz. "You're different that what I thought you would pee… I mean be…"

"Funny, you are too. It's like you're a purple monkey wearing high heels who just decided she could recite the alphabet backwards."

Hermione thought about that one.

"Thanks. I think," she said, scratching her head.

"You know what?" Fred said. Hermione tried tilting her head, and would have gone sailing ingloriously to the floor until Fred caught her headfirst. Her face was buried in his chest, and she tried to speak but all that came out was some muffled noise.

"I think it's time we try those pills," Fred said, gently hoisting Hermione up. Her head was now resting on his shoulder, and he half-carried her to the front desk, where he grabbed the two pills and offered her another glass of rum.

"Take it," he said, putting the glass in her hand and pushing her hair out of her face. His face was mere inches away from hers, and Hermione's breath suddenly caught in her throat.

Fred popped a pill in his mouth, took a quick sip, and tilted his head back. His eyes found Hermione's, and he grinned.

"I'm good," he said, and handed her a pill, but Hermione waved it away.

"Fred," she said, trying to focus her eyes. The alcohol coursing through her veins gave her a surge of confidence, and she tried to take a deep breath. Fred was looking at her intently, his eyes flickering over her face, then over her body. _His eyes... they are so blue..._ Hermione couldn't help but look down. _And his body... Gods... _

Hermione tried to clear her head again, to fight the very strong impulse that she had to lean over and just kiss the boy.

_Stop it!_ she told herself angrily.

"What was that?" Fred asked.

Oops. Apparently Hermione hadn't been talking to only herself.

"Dammit," she grumbled. "I have to..." Her eyes found his again. They were so close...

"Fred," she whispered gently, leaning in closer. Hermione closed her eyes, feeling the warmth from Fred's body on hers, longing to feel the touch of his lips on hers...

"That's my name," Fred began softly, not moving his head, but not exactly stopping her either. He was watching Hermione, a slightly amused expression on his face. He seemed to be fighting every nerve in his body when he gently leaned towards her, his lips seeking hers, a slight smile still on his face...

But suddenly, Hermione's head slumped forward onto his chest, and a very soft snore told him that she had fallen asleep.

* * *

A/N: So, does Fred like Hermione? How will she deal with her naughty rule-breaking? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Lollipop? You know, the one with the tootsie roll inside? The world may never know... well, you guys will, because I'll be posting more chapters soon! 


	8. Caught!

Hermione felt something very soft and warm against her cheek. Smiling happily, she nuzzled it, thinking that Crookshanks had made his way to her bed last night and curled up beside her. She sleepily began to open her eyes, thinking she should read the next chapter in her Arithmancy book, but instead of orange cat hair she hazily saw a freckles and light hair on a very toned arm…

"FRED!" she shrieked, leaping up. "Where am I? What's going on?"

Fred was wearing a slightly amused expression on his face and sat reclining on a red couch. Suddenly, it all came back to her- the Firewhiskey, the sneaking out of the common room…

"Did you know you snore?" he asked, grinning.

"What? Of course I don't you flobberworm-witted scoundrel…Oh my God!" Hermione shrieked again. "You had me sign a contract in my inebriated state to become the official taste tester for all of your Wheezes!"

"Relax, Miss Granger, I assure you nothing that horrid happened," came a dry voice from behind Hermione. She slowly turned on the spot, and came face to face with Professor McGonagall whose lips looked particularly thin.

_Shit_.

"I… uh… did I say inebriated? What I really meant was… erm… _celebrated…_"

"Sit down, Miss Granger." Hermione quickly plopped down next to Fred. She nervously stole a glance at him.

"Shall I tell you what I found this morning, Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley?"

"A pot of gold and a leprechaun madly in love with you?"

"No, Mr. Weasley. How about a prefect and a seventh year, asleep in a classroom, bottles of Firewhisky scattered around them?"

"You didn't take me back to the common room? What are you, stupid?" Hermione hissed at Fred. He opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted by McGonagall.

"So, what to do with you," the Professor said. She sat behind her desk and surveyed the two of them from behind her rimmed spectacles. Hermione nervously looked around the wood-paneled office and gulped. She saw all of her hard work, everything she had wanted disappearing in a Weasley-inspired, Firewhiskey-smelling puff of smoke.

"I cannot say I am not disappointed in you," said Professor McGonagall. "Especially you, Miss Granger…" Hermione tensed, and steeled herself for the worse, "but from what Mr. Weasley tells me, you are not entirely at fault."

Hermione's head snapped up. What?

"Mr. Weasley told me that he invented some medical cure, and that he needed the opinion of someone who was highly intelligent and could help him iron out a few problems. He said you resisted, that you said it was against the school rules, and that you thought I should be consulted first. Well, he finally convinced you and you grudgingly gave in. This leads us to the interesting predicament I found both of you in. Now, is this all true?"

Hermione couldn't believe it. Fred was covering for her?

"Uh, well… you see…" but before she could say anything else, Fred slowly shook his head.

"Um, yeah, I guess," Hermione finished lamely.

"Well, then. A weeks worth of detention for you, Miss Granger, and 20 points from Gryffindor. And for God's sake, learn to think for yourself." Hermione silently nodded, feeling thoroughly emotionally exhausted.

"Now, head down to breakfast and let me have a word with Mr. Weasley."

Hermione left, but instead of heading down to breakfast remained by the large oak door leading into McGonagall's office, waiting anxiously. Five minutes later, Fred emerged from the office, and gave Hermione a smile. She fell in line with him, and together they walked to the Great Hall.

"Wow," she finally said. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he said quietly.

"Why?"

"Because if it weren't for me, you probably wouldn't be in that situation. And you've got a lot more to lose than me. You're going places, Hermione, and something like this could only set you back."

"But you're going places too!" she said indignantly. "You're smart, and capable, and witty…"

"Spare me, Hermione." She fell silent, but it was not an awkward silence. When they got to the doors of the Great Hall, he turned to smile at her, and she smiled back. But there was something weighing heavily on her heart, something embarrassing and present, like a big, fat, tuxedo-wearing elephant in the room.

"Um, Fred, I… uh… wow… did I…I dunno, try to kiss you? Last night?"

He looked at her, and she hurried on. "I mean, I didn't have a hangover this morning or anything, but I don't remember what happened after the actual consumption of alcohol except I just have this feeling that I might have…I mean, I didn't mean to…" Hermione didn't know what prompted her to say this, only that she hated showing emotions first and didn't want Fred to think she was into him if he wasn't into her.

He held her gaze, then said "No".

"Oh," she said softly. Now she was mad at herself. _You coward_… she thought.

"Well, shall we?" Fred said, suddenly bright. Hermione tried to smile, and she followed him into the Great Hall.

"Hey, Fred!" cried George from the Gryffindor table. "I've been taking care of this thing all night!" Hermione's heart dropped when she saw Nate in George's lap. "You need to tell me when you're scheduling all night rendezvous!" Someone whistled, and Ron started choking on his bacon. Ginny gave Hermione a knowing smile.

"Good lord," Hermione said, "not again."

* * *

That night, Hermione decided she should spend some quality time with Nate in the Gryffindorcommon room. She figured her chances of being caught a.) supposedly shagging Fred and b.) drunk were greatly reduced if she were in a room full of crowded people. So, she sectioned off a corner and spread a few blankets on the floor, and set Nate down to play. However, just watching him crawl began to bore Hermione, so she pulled out her massive Arithmancy book and began to read to him out loud.

"Are you trying to make our kid a bookworm?" Fred asked, suddenly sprawling down on the floor besides Nate. He began tickling Nate's stomach, and he conjured a rattle out of nowhere and gave it to the baby.

"How did you do that?" Hermione demanded, watching Nate giggle and play with the rattle.

Someone walking past them told them to get a room, but they both ignored it.

"It just makes sense, you know?" he said. "For example, a flower needs water and sunlight to grow. Well, a baby needs love and fun. You can't just plop one down and expect it to entertain itself."

"Right," Hermione said hastily. "So, er, how was detention?"

"Awful," Fred grimaced. "I have to clean out cauldrons for Snape. And I don't get dinner until I am done, which is usually after everyone has left."

"I'm sorry," she said. "All I had to do was copy lines."

"Yeah, well, you're not exactly leading innocent ones astray, are you?"

"I'm not innocent!" Hermione said. Fred raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Once I accidentally killed a Knarl-Ended Sprout in Herbology, and I didn't tell Professor Sprout… and then I borrowed Ginny's shirt and never gave it back to her…"

Fred began laughing.

"And, you know, Viktor and I were, um… hot and heavy for a while…"

Fred began laughing even harder.

"What!" she said, angry and sheepish at the same time. Ok, so she was just trying to impress Fred. But still, did he have to laugh at her?

"Good one, Hermione… I gotta remember that…"

Hermione slapped his arm, but she was smiling.

They sat in the corner of the common room for a while longer, chatting amicably while Nate made feeble attempts to walk. Talking to Fred felt comfortable, even gratifying. People gradually began to wander up to bed, but Hermione, Fred, and Nate moved closer to the fire and relaxed in the warmth. It was the weirdest family gathering Hermione had ever been to, but she found herself enjoying it. No, loving it.


End file.
